Reasoning Together

Are you making reasonable requests in your marriage?

When I found myself in a tough place in my marriage, I kept coming back to the vows I said to my husband on our wedding day.

Surrounded by our grown children, we pledged to journey together through all of life's twists and turns. ‘For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.

My heart was fully in and I deeply loved my husband, but when we got to a place of ongoing conflict, my marriage no longer made sense. I didn’t understand what was causing us so much friction and chaos. It was deeply painful and I felt broken and confused. 

My upbringing didn’t help in these situations. I already had deep wounds and unresolved trauma that manifested itself in challenging times. Growing up, I needed a mother that provided trust and security. Instead, I had a figure who lacked the ability to be a protector. She was my first gaslighter and abuser—an enemy of truth and light, as described in the Bible. I grew up hearing I was constantly wrong about what I witnessed happening around me and in my home. Being groomed in this no doubt caused me to question my own reality. 

In my relationship, I had a sense of what made me feel safe and secure, but I experienced times of uncertainty and hurt. I had faith that our issues would be resolved through commitment and mutual care. I wasn’t assuming I was right in everything I felt unsafe or insecure about, I just wanted a partner who cared about what I was feeling and would support me. I had hope we would work together to mend our ruptures, rather than go against each other. 

Unfortunately, reality proved harsh, and conflicts became the norm. In need of resolution, we sought professional help and embarked on a counseling journey that spanned several years. In the process, a glimmer of clarity emerged, and my pain and insecurities were put to words, painting a vivid picture of the challenges I faced. It was as if someone had finally acknowledged the wounds I carried, providing much-needed insight. Reflecting on past conflicts, I recognized a pattern of feeling abandoned, akin to a wounded dog left alone to lick their wounds. Our commitment to counseling, lasting for an extended period, proved instrumental in unraveling the complexities of our relationship. Though the journey was painful, it marked one of the most crucial phases of my life. At the brink of self-discovery, I decided to surrender my life to Jesus, opening myself up to learning how to navigate life's challenges in a biblical manner, aligning with His wisdom rather than relying on my own.

Does this mean I was perfect? No. 

Does it mean I did everything right and my ex did everything wrong? No. 

Admitting imperfection and recognizing the shared responsibility for our conflicts, we embraced the wisdom found in Ephesians 4. I began to shed my old ways, adopting a godly perspective. Our counselor, delving into the root causes, eventually urged us to confront our individual sin and individual beliefs that were false, emphasizing the importance of having a teachable heart.

As our counselor worked with us, he uncovered deeper issues and eventually recommended individual sessions. In one such session, I was handed Leslie Vernick's "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage." These pages revealed the dynamics of power and control that had been at play in my relationship, opening my eyes to the oppressive nature of certain behaviors.

One part of the book he pointed to specifically has always stayed with me. He looked at me with genuine concern and said ‘I want you to recognize that your husband's actions are a form of 'powering over you.’ Those words were foreign to me, and I struggled to grasp their meaning. I was desperate to learn more and understand.

When I took the book home and began to read, my eyes were opened. Excitedly, I believed that uncovering the source of our struggles would make my husband equally eager to acknowledge the oppressive nature of his actions and work towards positive change. I naively hoped that he, too, would share my enthusiasm for understanding and rectifying the situation.

At times, I believed he genuinely desired change. Even now, I suspect there were aspects of him that yearned for transformation. However, he struggled with being corrected or asked to relinquish behaviors causing pain.

Confronting my husband's resistance to change, particularly in his interactions with the opposite sex, became a significant hurdle. His refusal to acknowledge reasonable concerns and establish healthy boundaries, created ongoing strife. Even with godly counsel advocating for change, his defensive stance and avoidance persisted, leading to a cycle of confusion and emotional manipulation.

Opposite-sex friendships became a recurring issue, not only during our dating phase, but persisting into our marriage. He had a history of allowing past friendships to develop into inappropriate relationships, so I expected him to understand how connections with other women brought discomfort to our marriage. 

He was given guidance from our biblical counselor to change in the areas of my reasonable requests and prioritize our marriage. While there were instances when he agreed, any attempt on my part to discuss the progress later at home was met with silent treatments, defensiveness, blame shifting and mocking me. I wasn’t asking anything unreasonable, and yet,  he continued to neglect change and hurt me. 

In the midst of this tumultuous journey, I discovered the necessity of finding my identity in Christ, enabling me to discern when I was being devalued and identify patterns of oppression.For those navigating the complexities of marriage, I encourage you to seek answers in the Word of God and from those with experience in overcoming oppression. 

The heart of someone wanting to be reasonable or unreasonable is revealed over time. The next time you find yourself confused in your marriage, ask yourself this question; Am I making reasonable requests? Don’t allow confusion to go unresolved. Get clarity. Make sure you are first confident in your identity in Christ. When you have this assurance and security in His love, you'll be better equipped to recognize when someone is devaluing and oppressing you.

It is good to approach conflict with reason and make reasonable requests. We are called to reason together. However, there comes a point where, if there is no resolution, it’s time for you and your partner to seek help from godly resources.  Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for restoration and healing.